Tip of the Week

Congratulations! You now share a vision of your ideal relationship and are cooperating to achieve a common goal. Read your mutual relationship vision with your partner periodically as a reminder of your intention. Refer to it when you are feeling angry or discouraged and need some reinforcement. Add to it or refine your statements as your goals change.

For now, a celebration is in order, for this is a new beginning. Plan something special today to acknowledge your passage to a new phase of your relationship – a toast, three cheers, a little slow dancin’, candlelight at dinner?

Together, post your mutual relationship vision in a place where you can see it daily. This is an important document, for it is a guide to your future. Take some time to make it attractive, neat, legible, and inspiring. Make it truly yours, both in words and presentation.

Today I acknowledge the effort my partner has made in creating a shared vision. With a celebratory spirit, I give thanks for having my partner in my life.

This week’s tip can be found in Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want.

A happy marriage is not a gift; it’s an achievement.                                     ~ Ann Landers

Good relationships are not delivered gift wrapped to your door; they require ongoing, conscious creation. But when you are creating something that involves another person, it is essential to have a common vision. Without it, your relationship can become aimless and chaotic, and you will make random, often fruitless attempts to cope with your problems and conflicts. Defining your vision will divert your attention from past and present disappointments and point you in the direction of your dreams.

On a new sheet of paper make the same four columns as before. Title this page “Our Mutual Relationship Vision.” At the top of column one write one partner’s name and “Importance”; label column two “In Our Ideal Relationship”; at the top of column three write the other partner’s name and “Importance”; label column four “Mutual Difficulty.”

Take out your individual relationship vision lists and work together to create a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items that you both agree are most important and fill in your importance rating numbers in columns one and three. Put check marks in column four next to those items that you both agree would be difficult to achieve. At the bottom of the list, write items that are relatively unimportant. If you have items that are a source of conflict between you, draw a line partway down the page and list them below the line, or leave the item off your combined list. 

As you create your shared vision, remember to write each item as a short, positive, descriptive sentence in the present tense.

When you have finished cocreating your mutual relationship vision, read it out loud to each other.

In the stillness at my core, I feel joy rising as I envision our mutual dream of love. I hold this joy until it floods my whole being.

This week’s tip can be found in Harville Hendrix and Hellen Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.                                        ~Helen Keller

As we change and grow, different things become important to us. A young woman describing her perfect partner might say, “He’s a hunk who graduated from an Ivy League college and drives a red sports car.” As we mature, we value other things. Now we are more likely to place a premium on qualities such as kindness, sensuality, tenderness, honest communication, a sense of humor, or dependability.

As you and your partner try to articulate your relationship vision, try to be very clear about what is truly important to you. Is it more important that “we have a big house overlooking the ocean” or that “we listen to each other and respect each other’s point of view”? That “we alternate vacations with our kids with vacations for just the two of us” or that “our kids go to the most prestigious school”? Our society focuses on goods and status, but keep in mind the value of things that can be touched only with the heart. As you clarify your vision, be sure to ask the important questions! What gives you the most joy? What lights up your life?

Working alone with your relationship vision list, at the top of column three write “Importance.” In column three, rank each item (including the ones that are not shared) with a number 1 to 5 according to its importance to you, with 1 indicating “very important” and 5 indicating “not important.” Circle the two items that are most important to you.

At the top of column four, write “Difficulty.” In column four put a check mark beside those items that you think would be most difficult for the two of you to achieve.

In my time of quiet today, I summon the courage to move from the marriage I am in to the marriage of my dreams. I hold these words in faith: “Dreams are the seeds of reality.”

This week’s tip can be found in Harville Hendrix and Hellen Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want.